Dead Cat Bounce

How many of you are keeping track of the debt ceiling talks going on in Washington D.C.? If you aren't you should be.

If you are not sure what all the political wrangling is about it boils down to us, the United States of America allowing (or not allowing) ourselves to raise the limit on the amount of money we can spend above our currently owed debt. The U.S. is spending way more money than it currently has coming in. How do we pay for all of our cool toys? We borrow money from other countries. Oh, we don't call it 'borrowing' per se. What we do is sell the idea that America is so awesome that you should 'INVEST' in us. How do other countries invest in our great country? We sell bonds of course! We will give you the privilege of buying a small piece of the United States for a certain amount of time and when that time is up, we will give you all of your money back plus interest! Yea!

Sounds kinda cool right? Being the biggest baddest kid on the block there is no way the U.S. would default on the loan payments, let alone the actual payback of the entire loan. Well guess what? We are days away from the beginning of the worst economic crisis this planet has ever seen.

Hyperbole?

Our economy is so intertwined with the rest of the world, it can legitimately called the de facto economy. Every country in the world has purchased billions upon billions upon billions of dollars worth of U.S. bonds. (Our currency can also lay claim to the #1 spot on the charts in terms of who wants it) The reasons are many with the big ones being to stabilize their own currency, creation of long-term reliable income based on the guaranteed buy-back of those bonds at specific periods of time, and a hugely stable asset that provides insurance against their own lending of money to other banks and countries. Stable that is, as long as the United States doesn't default on those payments.

Right now, markets around the globe are extremely jittery due to the economic meltdown in Greece. The Germans and French, who have the most to lose if Greece defaults on their almost $500 billion debt, have been pushing hard on the Eurozone countries to raise another $100+ billion dollar bailout on top of the already $110 billion given last year. If Greece does default, the countries that lent the money become hugely vulnerable to a run against their own banks, be next in line for major economic fallout, and possible default.

If you look at the numbers involved in the Greek debacle, $500 billion, it should give you pause. During the economic crisis of 2008/'09 here in the U.S., the Treasury lent (forced) half that amount on our 9 largest banks. If the emergency measures had not been taken, our economy (and the rest of the world) would have gone into a prolonged period of what can only be called an ice age. Here is the interesting part of that story and what is happening now.

In mid-September of 2008, the Federal Reserve and the Treasury Department realized that our financial system was on the verge of collapse and that they needed to do something about it. Of course by this time everyone on Wall Street not only knew that the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression could happen, but that it was only days away. With this economic meltdown on the front door, the Fed and Treasury put together an emergency plan to free up $700 billion dollars to enfuse into the US banking and financial institutions. Wall Street knew that this cash was needed and held their collective breath as Congress got the bill to look over.

As the American public began to realize that the banks had been pulling a fast one on us with the credit-default swaps and toxic mortgage loans, we became enraged to learn that we had to bail them out of the mess they had put themselves and us in. We screamed and shouted to our Congressional representatives that we would not take kindly to anyone voting for this money to be allocated to the fat cat Wall Street bankers. Unfortunately, us Americans were naive to the sheer size of our economy. Anyone on Wall Street can tell you that hundreds of billions of dollars are exchanged every night in inter-bank loans alone. The seemingly jaw-droppingly $700 billion dollar bailout was needed just to STABILIZE the markets. It wasn't meant for actually saving a particular bank, but to keep the faith between banks so that they would continue to lend each other money. In terms of actual money, while large, $700 billion isn't that big compared to the freight train that is the U.S. economy.

As the heat was raised on Capital Hill, the politicians did what politicians do. They argued, postured, ranted, and all the while pledging not to sign the emergency measure. Being naive citizens we all thought that when it came down to the vote they would do what actually needed to be done and pass the measure. Amazingly, both political parties decided that their political ass was more important than actually doing what needed to be done. The consequence? On Sept. 29th, Congress voted down the bailout. As the vote was being read live on CNBC, the stock market started to fall. Well, fall of a cliff into a black hole is probably a better visual. The market plunged 778 points. As one commentator put it "They voted it down? These guys don't know what they are doing!"

Back to our current story. Everyone, and I mean every person in every country on our planet needs to be clenching just a little bit right now. The U.S. has over 2 trillion dollars in debt to other countries. If the U.S. were to default on those obligations, the domino effect would be cataclysmic. Everyone knows that it has to be raised but the idiots in Washington are doing what they always do, politicizing something that has to be done immediately. Raising of the debt limit needs to happen or the financial crisis of '08 that has led to 3 years of global economic downturn would be analogous to a bird shitting on your roof compared to the 50 megaton bomb devastation that will occur if the limit isn't raised.

Fovea Falsum Amor

Just about everyday at work, a very nice woman asks me 'How are you?'. I know that it is part of the day after day pablum of co-worker speak that we all must engage in but I always give the honest answer of "I'm sad and lonely", rhetorical etiquette be dammed. Recently I have had to add tired to the beginning of that phrase because of my taking a second job five nights a week but I will save her and you the drudgery of that story for another time.

What is love? Well, having been married for and living with the same woman for almost 17 years I think I have a fairly good grasp of what it is and what it means.

You will hear high school kids say it to each other after just a few weeks of dating. Most adults will laugh because we know that it is only kids being kids and they do not know any better. College age folks will throw it around after maybe a couple of months of dating but it will (and should) be classified in the "that is what we have to say but we don't really mean it" category.

Love is something that is built on knowing someone so intimately that you can make them cry without trying, or make them laugh with a look in your eyes from an inside joke shared together years before. Love is having to struggle together for an amount of time neither of you could ever possibly do alone. To lean on each other for strength during those difficult times and then to finally triumph together. For me this meaning, this definition of love is real.

Love is not a word that should be tossed around lightly by those who have known true heartfelt love but have lost it. The unfortunate truth is that it is.

Being a divorced father of 2 and in my 40's I can say that I know that the pool of woman who find me attractive as a mate is shallow and evaporating by the minute. I confess to having a very hard time lately. I am incredibly lonely and constantly sad and depressed. Every morning I have two thoughts: 1) Fuck, woke up alone; 2) Oh thank god, I didn't die in my sleep, alone.

Another fellow co-worker suggested that if I wanted to find someone, I should get 'online' and get dates that way. Uhmm, no. But thank you for the suggestion, I really do appreciate your concern. I told him that I would never do that and gave a couple of rapid fire reasons to which he replied "well, get back to me when you are desperate and I'll see if you are still singing that tune." Desperate? I think I actually short circuited when he said that because I started at him for at least a minute before he asked me if I was ok.

In our current world of internet dating and one hour 'it's just lunch' bullshit, I know that I have that option of putting up a profile and getting dates. I don't think I'm being arrogant here what with the huge volume of people on these sites, odds are really good I would get at least one 'holla back at cha' emails and most likely more than that if I wanted, if you get my meaning (see below if you don't).

There are hundreds of dating sites for people who have given up on actually going out and meeting people organically, using excuses like "I don't have time", "I'm sick of the bar scene", "All the guys/girls I meet are psychos". What? Where are you looking and how hard are you trying? I would be lying if I said I haven't looked at some of these dating sites, I have. But there is something about them that just makes me cringe.

"Hi! I'm so-and-so and I like hiking, and camping, and outdoorsy shit!"

Really? You live in Colorado and you like doing those things?!?! Wow, who would have thought that? You could also mix and match with other key phrases like "loves to go biking/skiing/fishing" "love my kids" (personal fave because I wouldn't want to date someone who wrote "hate my bastard hell spawn"), or these other "like's to" gems: go off-roading, yoga, active, concerts, smile, have fun...Why don't you tell me why the hell are you are really on here?

I know of at least 8 people that get dates on these sites just to meet and fuck someone (plentyoffish, zoosk, and okcupid are the three that I know of). Am I judging? Of course not. That is our current culture I guess. I just ask that when you tell me you met someone online, don't tell me that you are 'in love' because that is complete and utter bullshit. Chances are you were fucking the first time you went out and if you weren't, you more than likely didn't go on a second date. I am unable to think of a single person that met their true love after meeting and fucking them the first time they met. Am I alone here? Anyone? Hello? Is this thing on?

Love is not something that can be typed out on a keyboard, one'd and zero'd across a metal or glass cable, and interpreted tangibly at the other end.

Love is earned over months and years. Through trust, dirty laundry, the other persons vomit that you clean up, things that were said that shouldn't have been but were forgiven because the apology was from the heart.

I almost fell into the trap. In truth I was probably halfway into the hole before I was forcibly yanked out. Not by recognizing my personal desperation for a companion, but by the woman I was dating. She reminded me that I was extremely vulnerable. That my need to be around someone, anyone! was so great that I was not constructively addressing my loneliness. She made me confront those feelings head on. I was hurt quite deeply but took her advise to heart.

I want to love someone again but it must be for the right reasons. Will I ever find true love again? Am I destined to die alone in the dark?...in the mountains, after a hearty hike and a day of skiing and fishing and mountain biking. Oh, I love my kids too...

Je ne vais pas cesser de fumer

A very dear friend sent me a note today. And by a dear friend I mean someone who before we officially met didn't like me at all. In fact words like loathe, dick head, despise, disgust, ass hole, prick, and maybe even cunt (yes a man can be deservedly called a cunt, maybe more so than a woman because if directed at a woman it is the sign of weakness on a mans part. Spoken from a woman to a man, I believe, is much more powerful, direct, and emasculating) were more than likely thrown about.

I was told she did not like me (at all) and was very saddened by the fact that someone could have such hurtful, spiteful, painful, harsh, vitriolic things to say about me without having ever met me. Obviously the maxim 'actions speak louder than words' was in effect here. I was having an affair with her roommate while still being married.

Having since come to the knowledge that we are both on the same journey of enlightenment, of wanting spirituality in whatever form it may be, of wanting peace not stupidity, love instead of currency, hope not immediacy, I understand her initial reactions of the situation and do not begrudge her at all and love her even more because of her response. Knowing her now I would expect nothing less and would be more than a little pissed if she were to ever hold her tongue if I were to do something stupid.

We embarked on different ships from different ports but find ourselves on the same journey united against the same enemies. Our fears are similar and always a shout, a touch, a glare, a lie away. We will never lose our fear. We cannot.

Why? When you live with repressed fear, and I have no illusions about mine, maybe you need it to keep on living. To keep from running away and hiding forever. To embrace that fear and say "Ha Ha! Look at me! FUCKING LOOK AT ME!!! Do you know what it means to be fucked without permission? Do you know what it means to be hurt so badly that for the rest of your life you have to repress curling up into a ball when you get scared at the slightest trigger? Do you? Do you you fucking piece of shit?!?!

Sure you can keep up the bullshit in front of your friends and families and lovers and coworkers but it is still there. It will always be there forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and may even be the last memory you have on this earth. Who knows? I know it and so does she.

Someone screaming at a child in a parking lot. A man who puts on a facade with his wife or girlfriend but you know just by that look in his eyes because you have seen it. When you have seen that look it doesn't matter how good of a liar you are. Of how much his wife or girlfriend or parents or friends cannot and will not ever see it. I know that look and it cannot hide from me and it cannot hide from her. And thus her note today.

"I have spent so much of my life imagining a place of what could be for myself and for those I love. For humanity. I also dare not sink anymore into daydreams like these, another of what consoles a restless mind. I have had now too many conversations, too many outbursts suppressed, to think that escaping will free me."

While this short piece does not capture the main theme of her prose, it is the encapsulation of my thoughts for the past few weeks.

I want life to be good for all of humanity, I truly do. I have tried to be the best soul that I can be and to help those who ask it of me and to offer it those who do not have the words to ask. Depressingly, most vomit the same sentiments but are alarmingly absent when asked to foot the bill.

In a bus station full of Christians, Muslims, Buddhists, Jews, Atheists, and who else knows, I helped a homeless man who fell down an escalator. I said "oh fuck!", dropped everything (my backpack that had my work laptop, wallet, car keys, and my prized leather bound copy of Blood Meridian) jumped out of the boarding line and ran over to the unconscious man. I yelled for help but was treated to blank stares and wonderment. Every motherfucker in the building continued getting on their buses. Every. Single. One. Not even the security guard came over until I yelled at the fat ass to come help me.

But I was not dissuaded from my path. The compass of my life has not and will not be fouled by such a common display of apathy. I will never proxy the requirement of my humanity to someone else because of convenience sake.

I will always try until somebody tells me to stop. Why? I have had a woman die in my arms while her husband and daughter watched me try and save her. I have never cried as hard as I did that day, but I did not quit.

I will always try until my last breath. Why? On a sunny morning I pulled a dying womans dentures out to give her mouth to mouth resuscitation after she was run down crossing the street. The crowd on the sidewalk offered no help. Her blood was on my shirt and hands and lips as she passed on to wherever it is we go, but I did not falter.

I will always try because death doesn't scare me. Why? I pulled broken glass out of mans head because he had HIV and tried to kill himself by jumping out of a building. I was incredulous at my fellow practitioners when I was the only one in the ER that volunteered to do it.

When my little cousin Joshua died of heart failure in Kansas, I was in a bar getting drunk because I felt sorry for myself. I will always try because I wasn't there to save him. My son is now older than Joshua was when he died and I feel guilty in some respects.

When you watch TV and see that a child has been raped you probably do what most people do"wow, that's pretty fucked up" and then keep watching to see what the weather is going to be tomorrow and move on in your life. I mean what can you do about it, right?

An earthquake or tsunami or hurricane or tornado happens. Do you donate your "I'll feel better if I give $10 to the Red Cross"? Good for you, I guess.

The past few years my journey has taken my thoughts to places I have not wanted to venture but that my soul has needed to confront. With my limited means I have also tried to experience the world as opportunities arise. To understand the others that have been hurt and are hurting.

My friend has helped me on this journey and I will never be able to thank her in any adequate or meaningful way. I can only do what I feel is right in my heart and hopefully she will take that as my gift to her.

I will continue to learn as much as I can about everything and everyone. I am ready to be called upon because most are not. I will lend my ear, my hand, my back, and my heart. I will be there because I have to be. For me.

Dressing for one

This is an excerpt from something I'm working on. Please excuse typos, punctuation, bad writing...

He would make a cut up the backs of both legs joining them at the anus, and then continue up to the base of the neck. There, he would join up the single cuts from each arm. Finally he would make a Y shaped cut on the back of the scalp taking care not to go to far forward as he would then have to hide the stitch marks later.

After skinning, he had easy access to the internal organs. Although he didn’t need to work as deftly as with the filleting, he still had to take care not to nick any of the organs. It was bad form to have to clean up bile, blood, and any of the other many fluids that could be counted on spilling out. Also, it smelled bad enough already. He had a reasonable amount of time after death, about six hours at room temperature. After that the viscera started to build up gases and toxic fumes. He had a cynical laugh at this. How ironic it would be if he were overcome by those fumes and died. That would also be bad form.

Once the organs had been carefully removed he placed them into a bio-degradable bag, then place that bag into another in case the first one somehow had a leak, and then finally into a third. Two was probably fine and safe enough but it was better to be sure. He then walked over to the lift-top freezer at the far end of the room. It had ample space for twenty such bags but that would never be utilized as he only dressed on subject at a time. Inside was a piece of plywood that was bisecting the space. He placed the organ bag on the left side of the freezer and then took two frozen pizza from the right. A double pepperoni and a deluxe.

Returning to the table he pulled the detachable sprayer from it’s cradle and turned the cold water spigot to medium pressure. Just enough to get a good volume of water into the chest cavity but not enough to create excessive splashing. There would always be some of course, that couldn't be helped.

11

I’m skinny and weak. I can’t do anything but watch. I want to do something but I can’t. What can I do? I can’t do anything because I am so weak. He turns to me and yells.

What the fuck are you looking at?

He turns away and then back.

You’re next.

I can’t cry. I can’t move. I’m paralyzed. My feet are fence posts stuck into concrete. I’m so scared.