Fovea Falsum Amor

Just about everyday at work, a very nice woman asks me 'How are you?'. I know that it is part of the day after day pablum of co-worker speak that we all must engage in but I always give the honest answer of "I'm sad and lonely", rhetorical etiquette be dammed. Recently I have had to add tired to the beginning of that phrase because of my taking a second job five nights a week but I will save her and you the drudgery of that story for another time.

What is love? Well, having been married for and living with the same woman for almost 17 years I think I have a fairly good grasp of what it is and what it means.

You will hear high school kids say it to each other after just a few weeks of dating. Most adults will laugh because we know that it is only kids being kids and they do not know any better. College age folks will throw it around after maybe a couple of months of dating but it will (and should) be classified in the "that is what we have to say but we don't really mean it" category.

Love is something that is built on knowing someone so intimately that you can make them cry without trying, or make them laugh with a look in your eyes from an inside joke shared together years before. Love is having to struggle together for an amount of time neither of you could ever possibly do alone. To lean on each other for strength during those difficult times and then to finally triumph together. For me this meaning, this definition of love is real.

Love is not a word that should be tossed around lightly by those who have known true heartfelt love but have lost it. The unfortunate truth is that it is.

Being a divorced father of 2 and in my 40's I can say that I know that the pool of woman who find me attractive as a mate is shallow and evaporating by the minute. I confess to having a very hard time lately. I am incredibly lonely and constantly sad and depressed. Every morning I have two thoughts: 1) Fuck, woke up alone; 2) Oh thank god, I didn't die in my sleep, alone.

Another fellow co-worker suggested that if I wanted to find someone, I should get 'online' and get dates that way. Uhmm, no. But thank you for the suggestion, I really do appreciate your concern. I told him that I would never do that and gave a couple of rapid fire reasons to which he replied "well, get back to me when you are desperate and I'll see if you are still singing that tune." Desperate? I think I actually short circuited when he said that because I started at him for at least a minute before he asked me if I was ok.

In our current world of internet dating and one hour 'it's just lunch' bullshit, I know that I have that option of putting up a profile and getting dates. I don't think I'm being arrogant here what with the huge volume of people on these sites, odds are really good I would get at least one 'holla back at cha' emails and most likely more than that if I wanted, if you get my meaning (see below if you don't).

There are hundreds of dating sites for people who have given up on actually going out and meeting people organically, using excuses like "I don't have time", "I'm sick of the bar scene", "All the guys/girls I meet are psychos". What? Where are you looking and how hard are you trying? I would be lying if I said I haven't looked at some of these dating sites, I have. But there is something about them that just makes me cringe.

"Hi! I'm so-and-so and I like hiking, and camping, and outdoorsy shit!"

Really? You live in Colorado and you like doing those things?!?! Wow, who would have thought that? You could also mix and match with other key phrases like "loves to go biking/skiing/fishing" "love my kids" (personal fave because I wouldn't want to date someone who wrote "hate my bastard hell spawn"), or these other "like's to" gems: go off-roading, yoga, active, concerts, smile, have fun...Why don't you tell me why the hell are you are really on here?

I know of at least 8 people that get dates on these sites just to meet and fuck someone (plentyoffish, zoosk, and okcupid are the three that I know of). Am I judging? Of course not. That is our current culture I guess. I just ask that when you tell me you met someone online, don't tell me that you are 'in love' because that is complete and utter bullshit. Chances are you were fucking the first time you went out and if you weren't, you more than likely didn't go on a second date. I am unable to think of a single person that met their true love after meeting and fucking them the first time they met. Am I alone here? Anyone? Hello? Is this thing on?

Love is not something that can be typed out on a keyboard, one'd and zero'd across a metal or glass cable, and interpreted tangibly at the other end.

Love is earned over months and years. Through trust, dirty laundry, the other persons vomit that you clean up, things that were said that shouldn't have been but were forgiven because the apology was from the heart.

I almost fell into the trap. In truth I was probably halfway into the hole before I was forcibly yanked out. Not by recognizing my personal desperation for a companion, but by the woman I was dating. She reminded me that I was extremely vulnerable. That my need to be around someone, anyone! was so great that I was not constructively addressing my loneliness. She made me confront those feelings head on. I was hurt quite deeply but took her advise to heart.

I want to love someone again but it must be for the right reasons. Will I ever find true love again? Am I destined to die alone in the dark?...in the mountains, after a hearty hike and a day of skiing and fishing and mountain biking. Oh, I love my kids too...