Je ne vais pas cesser de fumer

A very dear friend sent me a note today. And by a dear friend I mean someone who before we officially met didn't like me at all. In fact words like loathe, dick head, despise, disgust, ass hole, prick, and maybe even cunt (yes a man can be deservedly called a cunt, maybe more so than a woman because if directed at a woman it is the sign of weakness on a mans part. Spoken from a woman to a man, I believe, is much more powerful, direct, and emasculating) were more than likely thrown about.

I was told she did not like me (at all) and was very saddened by the fact that someone could have such hurtful, spiteful, painful, harsh, vitriolic things to say about me without having ever met me. Obviously the maxim 'actions speak louder than words' was in effect here. I was having an affair with her roommate while still being married.

Having since come to the knowledge that we are both on the same journey of enlightenment, of wanting spirituality in whatever form it may be, of wanting peace not stupidity, love instead of currency, hope not immediacy, I understand her initial reactions of the situation and do not begrudge her at all and love her even more because of her response. Knowing her now I would expect nothing less and would be more than a little pissed if she were to ever hold her tongue if I were to do something stupid.

We embarked on different ships from different ports but find ourselves on the same journey united against the same enemies. Our fears are similar and always a shout, a touch, a glare, a lie away. We will never lose our fear. We cannot.

Why? When you live with repressed fear, and I have no illusions about mine, maybe you need it to keep on living. To keep from running away and hiding forever. To embrace that fear and say "Ha Ha! Look at me! FUCKING LOOK AT ME!!! Do you know what it means to be fucked without permission? Do you know what it means to be hurt so badly that for the rest of your life you have to repress curling up into a ball when you get scared at the slightest trigger? Do you? Do you you fucking piece of shit?!?!

Sure you can keep up the bullshit in front of your friends and families and lovers and coworkers but it is still there. It will always be there forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and may even be the last memory you have on this earth. Who knows? I know it and so does she.

Someone screaming at a child in a parking lot. A man who puts on a facade with his wife or girlfriend but you know just by that look in his eyes because you have seen it. When you have seen that look it doesn't matter how good of a liar you are. Of how much his wife or girlfriend or parents or friends cannot and will not ever see it. I know that look and it cannot hide from me and it cannot hide from her. And thus her note today.

"I have spent so much of my life imagining a place of what could be for myself and for those I love. For humanity. I also dare not sink anymore into daydreams like these, another of what consoles a restless mind. I have had now too many conversations, too many outbursts suppressed, to think that escaping will free me."

While this short piece does not capture the main theme of her prose, it is the encapsulation of my thoughts for the past few weeks.

I want life to be good for all of humanity, I truly do. I have tried to be the best soul that I can be and to help those who ask it of me and to offer it those who do not have the words to ask. Depressingly, most vomit the same sentiments but are alarmingly absent when asked to foot the bill.

In a bus station full of Christians, Muslims, Buddhists, Jews, Atheists, and who else knows, I helped a homeless man who fell down an escalator. I said "oh fuck!", dropped everything (my backpack that had my work laptop, wallet, car keys, and my prized leather bound copy of Blood Meridian) jumped out of the boarding line and ran over to the unconscious man. I yelled for help but was treated to blank stares and wonderment. Every motherfucker in the building continued getting on their buses. Every. Single. One. Not even the security guard came over until I yelled at the fat ass to come help me.

But I was not dissuaded from my path. The compass of my life has not and will not be fouled by such a common display of apathy. I will never proxy the requirement of my humanity to someone else because of convenience sake.

I will always try until somebody tells me to stop. Why? I have had a woman die in my arms while her husband and daughter watched me try and save her. I have never cried as hard as I did that day, but I did not quit.

I will always try until my last breath. Why? On a sunny morning I pulled a dying womans dentures out to give her mouth to mouth resuscitation after she was run down crossing the street. The crowd on the sidewalk offered no help. Her blood was on my shirt and hands and lips as she passed on to wherever it is we go, but I did not falter.

I will always try because death doesn't scare me. Why? I pulled broken glass out of mans head because he had HIV and tried to kill himself by jumping out of a building. I was incredulous at my fellow practitioners when I was the only one in the ER that volunteered to do it.

When my little cousin Joshua died of heart failure in Kansas, I was in a bar getting drunk because I felt sorry for myself. I will always try because I wasn't there to save him. My son is now older than Joshua was when he died and I feel guilty in some respects.

When you watch TV and see that a child has been raped you probably do what most people do"wow, that's pretty fucked up" and then keep watching to see what the weather is going to be tomorrow and move on in your life. I mean what can you do about it, right?

An earthquake or tsunami or hurricane or tornado happens. Do you donate your "I'll feel better if I give $10 to the Red Cross"? Good for you, I guess.

The past few years my journey has taken my thoughts to places I have not wanted to venture but that my soul has needed to confront. With my limited means I have also tried to experience the world as opportunities arise. To understand the others that have been hurt and are hurting.

My friend has helped me on this journey and I will never be able to thank her in any adequate or meaningful way. I can only do what I feel is right in my heart and hopefully she will take that as my gift to her.

I will continue to learn as much as I can about everything and everyone. I am ready to be called upon because most are not. I will lend my ear, my hand, my back, and my heart. I will be there because I have to be. For me.